The Sinking of the USS Philadelphia - a 10 minute comedy.

It was a rare day off when I drove into town, with the chance to see a local arts fair. I was all alone on this trip, I thought I’d get the chance to take the edge off at the Stockman’s bar. Which, I think used to be actually just for stockmen but now is just a place where shedding taxedermied steers can get hairs into your drink.

The highlight of the fair for me ended up being the 10-minute play festival, where I got to see original works from around the area. The Spinners were descendants from a timber mill executive that settled out in the Shelton Area, back when there were still companies with executives anywhere within a hundred miles of here. By the time I was growing up, they were mostly notable as a family that had a real talent for producing backup football players. Trent Spinner was never a starting quarterback, but he was good enough to get subbed in every third drive. Kevin Spinner was part of a rotation at running back, which I guess in a way was kind of starting. The youngest one, Fletcher, got to be the starting kicker for about half of a season when one of the Pilion kids got expelled for throwing M-80s in the girls’ locker rooms.

Anyway, I’d never heard much about him since then, so I was kind of tickled to see his name on the bill at the play festival. And I’ll be danged if he didn’t crack me right the heck up. I bought him a hairy beer at the stockman, told him about my pumpkin patch site, and he gave me a copy of his script to put up here. I’d never heard about any of this stuff in history class, but he assured me it’s basically the true story, just really funny. Enjoy.

The Sinking of the USS Philadelphia
A short, Humorous Piece of American History

By Fletcher Spinner

Characters:

Stephen Decatur, Sr. - The first captain of the Philadelphia when it was commissioned in April 5, 1800
Stephen Decatur, Jr. - Senior’s petulant son
Pasha Yusef Karamanli - The Pasha of Tripoli during the Barbary Wars. Don’t do the accent!
Turner - Captain Decatur’s first mate.
President Thomas Jefferson - Reminds you of someone…
Robinson - Jefferson’s Chief of Staff
Barbary Pirate - Pasha Karamanli’s chief of Staff

By Fletcher Spinner

Prologue

(It is 1804, and we are on a pier. Stephen Decatur, Sr. is giving a speech.)

SENIOR: Gentlemen, we are here today to plan next year’s celebration of the anniversary of the United States Navy! Ten Years already!

CROWD: Hear Hear!!

SENIOR: You all know me, of course, I sailed in the Continental Navy during the War of Independence, I took the first American Military Vessels into foreign waters. I captured dozens of ships in the Carribean. I am, of course, Captain Stephen Decatur!

TURNER: Ahem. Senior. Sir.

SENIOR: What’s that, Mister Turner?

TURNER: Stephen Decatur Senior, Sir. Your son is also a captain in the US Navy, called Stephen Decatur. So. We probably best call you Stephen Decatur Senior. Sir. To differentiate.

SENIOR: I understand the need to differentiateat. Call him Junior!

TURNER: That seems kind of infantalizing. He’s a Captain in the US Navy after all. Sir.

SENIOR: I was in the navy when he was in diapers!

TURNER: Er, That was the Continental Navy.

SENIOR: So?

TURNER: This is the United States Navy.

SENIOR: It still counts!

TURNER: I don’t think so, Sir. You just said. Remember? Ten Years!

CROWD: Hear Hear!

SENIOR: Fine. I’m Stephen Decatur…Senior. In 1794, George Washington established the United States Navy to protect our merchant ships from Barbary Coast Pirates.

TURNER: Oh that reminds me!

SENIOR: What is it now?

TURNER: Sorry, Sir. You just reminded me, I have a message.

SENIOR: And you have to tell me right now?

TURNER: It’s about the Barbary Wars. The enemy have captured the USS Philadelphia.

SENIOR: Philadelphia, eh? You know, I was her first captain.

JUNIOR: That’s right!

TURNER: Captain Decatur, Sir! (doffs his cap and bows)

SENIOR: Ah hello, Junior.

JUNIOR: Hello Daddy. The Philadelphia is my Daddy’s Ship!

SENIOR: It was four years ago.

JUNIOR: What has Captain Bainbridge done to my Daddy’s ship!

TURNER: She’s been captured in Tripoli.

JUNIOR Shrieks Not by Tripoli! Oh Daddy That’s terrible. Where is Tripoli again?

TURNER: Tripoli is a semi-autonomous Ottoman city state on the mediterranean coast of northern Africa. It, along with Tunis and Algiers, make up what we refer to as the Barbary states.

SENIOR: You’ve been there, Stephen.

JUNIOR: Of Course. How many of our men were lost in the battle?

TURNER: Oh, well that’s the good news! No men were killed.

SENIOR: Then how did we lose her?!

TURNER: She ran aground!

SENIOR: Ran aground?

TURNER: Right. I think they hit a reef.

JUNIOR: shrieks Not a reef!

SENIOR: Did they deploy countermeasures?

TURNER: I’m told that Captain Bainbridge tried to refloat her, sir. He jettisoned all of the heavies. Cannons, water barrels.

SENIOR: And how did that go?

TURNER: They’re all captured sir.

JUNIOR: Shriek Catapulted?!?

SENIOR: Captured, you idiot. (to aide) And the ship?

TURNER: The Tripolitanians are working to repair her and use us against us.

JUNIOR: Well that is just not ideal at all. It looks bad to lose a ship.

SENIOR: I agree with the boy for once. Looks bad to lose a ship.

JUNIOR: Although I love Tripolitanian ice cream.

TURNER: Well if anyone can save us, it’s Captain Decatur!

SENIOR: Well, I suppose I do know my way around a ship after all these years.

TURNER: Oh, sorry sir, I meant him.

JUNIOR: Yes, I’ll do it! I’ll go get my Daddy’s ship back from the Tennesseeans!

TURNER: Tripolitanians.

JUNIOR: Tripolitanians! Come along mister Turner. We must discuss this with President Jefferson.

CROWD: Hear Hear!

(Exit Turner, Junior, Crowd)

SENIOR: Have kids they said. The greatest joy in the world, they said.

(Exit Senior, Lights go dark. Then lights back UP on the Oval Office, where President Jefferson and his Chief of Staff Robinson are doing business.)

ROBINSON: President Jefferson, sir, you have a visitor.

JEFFERSON: (Trump voice) What is it, Robinson? I’m very busy, as you know, trying to do more Deals. The Louisiana Purchase was a very good deal.

ROBINSON: Are you sure you talk like this, sir?

JEFFERSON: Obviously I talk like this! I love to build things, but I don’t like to pay my workers. Remember Monticello? We love Monticello, it’s America’s favorite house. We started building it in 1768, that’s a long time ago now.

ROBINSON: And when will you actually finish it?

JEFFERSON: Enough about Monticello, Robinson, who is here to see me?

(Junior enters with a flourish, followed by Turner.)

JUNIOR: Hello Mister President! It’s me, Captain Stephen Decatur!

JEFFERSON: Stevie! Swimming Steve, I call him, because of Ship. Man I love this guy.

JUNIOR: Well, Mister President, I need your help! Those nasty Tarabithians -

TURNER: Tripolitanians.

JUNIOR: Have captured the USS Philadelphia, and I mean to go rescue her!

JEFFERSON: Right, gotta get our ships back.Looks bad to loose a ship. But we’ve got a great navy, you can take as many ships as you need. Robinson, how many ships do we have?

ROBINSON: Five, sir.

JEFFERSON: (to Junior) You’re going to have to find your own ship. But it’s OK with me, you’re going to find a tremendous ship. A beautiful ship, maybe you’ll name it after me, who knows, I think America would love it. Definitely not going to name it after John Adams. Everyone forgets him.

JUNIOR: We won’t let you down sir!

JEFFERSON: I know you won’t, Swimming Steve, I know you won’t. Now get out of here, me and Robinson need to redact the rest of the Ben Franklin files.

(EXIT all, lights down.
LIGHTS UP on the Pasha of Tripoli’s palace)

PASHA: (in a Russian Accent) The American ship is nearly free. It will be a fine addition to our fleet!

PIRATE 1: Sir, ye are Pasha Yusef Karamanli, the Bey of Tripoli, and part of the Ottoman Empire. Why do ye have a Russian Accent?

PASHA: It would be problematic for the actor playing me to do my real accent, so we thought we’d avoid it altogether.

PIRATE 1: Argh, I suppose that makes sense.

PASHA: It is why you have your accent to, no? Barbary pirates are not English.

PIRATE 1: Aye Aye, ye scallywag.

PASHA: Now go see to the torture of the American prisoners.

JUNIOR: Not if I have anything to say about it!

PIRATE 1: Avast! It’s the US Navy!

PASHA: Da, this is problem.

JUNIOR: That’s right! I sailed from America all the way here to Tatooine -

TURNER: Tripoli

JUNIOR: To taking back my Daddy’s ship! I’ve freed the prisoners, and now I will defeat you!

PASHA: Bring it on, Daddy’s boy.

JUNIOR: *Shrieks* Daddy’s boy!?! (pulls of his glove) Why I never! (Slaps Pasha with a glove)

PASHA: (pulls off his glove) I will break you! (Slaps Junior with his glove)

JUNIOR: (slapping like a dork) I will avenge my Daddy!

PASHA: (slapping like a dork) The ship is mine! No takesy-backsies!!!

JUNIOR: We built it, we get to keep it!

PASHA: Your captain ran it aground!

JUNIOR: You didn’t mark your reefs! You’re supposed to mark your reefs.

PIRATE 1: (to Turner) Arrrrgh. Is he always like this?

TURNER: He sort of is.

PIRATE 1: You think we can settle this without them?

TURNER: Oh yeah. I’ve got an idea. Follow me.

JUNIOR: (Still slapping) No one even wants to come here to Timbuktu!

PASHA: (Still slapping) It’s Tripoli! It’s not that hard! How did you ever get to be a captain?!

JUNIOR: My Daddy wrote me a recommendation!!!

PASHA: I should have guessed…wait stop! Times! Times!

JUNIOR: What now?

PASHA: Look in the harbor! The ship!

JUNIOR: It’s….it’s burning up!

PASHA: No! Not my brand new ship!!!

JUNIOR: I guess neither of us can have her now.

PASHA: I guess not.

JUNIOR: Which means…America Wins!

PASHA: No! No! It’s a tie!

JUNIOR: I’m going back a hero! Turner!

TURNER: Yes Captain Decatur.

JUNIOR: Let’s go home and report our victory to Daddy.

(LIGHTS down, Lights back up on Senior’s Office)

SENIOR: Let me get this straight. You went to retrieve the Philadelphia before the Barbary pirates could use her, but instead of bringing her home, you just burned it down?

JUNIOR: That’s right! It was exciting! Daring!

TURNER: It was alright.

JUNIOR: A battle for the ages!

SENIOR: Well. I guess technically, you did prevent the ship from falling into enemy hands.

JUNIOR: Oh he was so mad!

SENIOR: And you freed the prisoners.

JUNIOR: Imagine, wasting your years in a Tijuana prison.

TURNER: Tri….actually that one makes sense.

SENIOR: So I suppose, I must say, congratulations on a mission well done, son.

JUNIOR: You heard it everyone, Daddy’s Proud of me!! Hooray!!!

JEFFERSON: And there you have it, America’s first overseas naval engagement was a success, no one can say otherwise. And no one ever will. All because one man wanted to impress his dad. Well I guess that’s why we do anything. So Dads, never tell your sons you’re proud of them. And they can claim they are doing great things, too.